A Very Modest Proposal

California voted on Tuesday, and it was decided that marriage should be restored to its "traditional" state- one man, one woman. We all know now that change is a nasty thing that should always be avoided, no matter how many centuries pass in the meantime. Therefore, America needs to return to its roots. The following propositions should be put in to action immediately, so we can be sure that the current newfangled liberal ideals can be squashed out before any more damage is done.

Proposition M: Further Protecting Marriage
Traditionally, marriage is not only a sacred union between one man and one woman, but also a union between families. Therefore, Proposition M wishes to require by law that all marriages are to be arranged by a child's parents prior birth. As was done with the Greeks and Romans, marriages should consist of a thirty-something man and a barely pubescent and possibly related young woman. The couple should also first meet on their wedding day, which is also when their chastity belts will be removed for the first time in their lives. After the marriage takes place, the woman's family is expected to make a substantial dowry to the family of her new husband, then send the woman off to live with her new in-laws, never to see her family again.

The Bride and Groom: The Way it Should Be.

Proposition V: Protecting Voting
In the past few one or two hundred years or so, the process of voting has become horribly distorted from its original process. These days it seems that just about any old American is allowed to vote, which is something that I'm sure the founding fathers would have had issue with. With the passing of Prop V, we can return America to a place where only the rich, white, male, and privileged upper class is able to vote. And so is the way that it should be.

I don't see any minorities in here- Do you?

Propostion H: Protecting Health
These days, doctors are using so-called techniques like organ transplants and open-heart surgery to "heal" patients. Readers, anyone can see that this is an obvious scam. Humans have been using techniques like bloodletting for thousands of years, and there is no reason to trust to these new, untried methods. It has been documented for thousands of years that in order to cure a human, they must be cut in order to release the bad blood that is making them sick. If this does not work, they are probably a witch and should be burned immediately.

Just how Grandma used to do it.

Proposition P: Protecting Capital Punishment
These days, the court systems have become corrupt with silly qualms like wondering if someone is innocent or not. Traditionally, once accused, the suspect would be hauled off to the stocks for a minor offense, or simply hanged or burned for a major one. These days, even the hardest of criminals are able to spend the rest of their lives in padded cells funded by taxpayer's money. In order to protect America, we need to bring back the days when a witch was a witch, and an eye was taken for an eye. This is, after all, how things were done traditionally.

That'll show him for jaywalking.

To conclude:
So as you can see, readers, a good American constitution is one that doesn't change with the times. The best kind will never, ever, waver- no matter how unfair and outdated it becomes. So my friends, in November 2012, I urge you help return not just America but the world back to its more perfect roots.